THE FOLLOWING IS A FICTIONALIZED ACCOUNT OF A RECENT PRIVATE WOOLWICH COUNCIL GET TOGETHER

Starring: Sandy Shantz, Larry Shantz, Murray Martin, Mark Bauman, David Brenneman, Patrick Merlihan and Val Hummel with honourable mention to Julie-Anne Herteis



Sandy: We've had three years of hassle, grief and scandal. I want someone who is quiet, carries no baggage and won't upset the apple cart.

Mark: Well obviously we won't pick any of those CPAC storm troopers then.

Patrick: Whoa Mark. I thought you indicated that you had a preference for Dr. Dan Holt.

Mark: Come on! That was a strategic vote just to give the impression that we as a council had open minds. Besides you'd already voted in favour of him and I knew nobody else would so I just made it look close.

Murray: Anybody who seriously wants that asshole Holt on this Council are just plain nuts. Don't you remember him making us look stupid two years ago? If I saw him on the road I'd run him over.

Larry: Guys come on now. Whoever we choose it's at least got to look like we made a serious effort. What about Julie-Anne? She really isn't much of a prize but she is willing to play ball.

Sandy: We're stuck with her now. Between David and myself we committed to picking her. There's no going back now. We've just got to make the best of it.

Mark: You do realize that her best attribute on the 2010-2014 council was that she stayed awake unlike you know who, who was asleep half the time? Seriously the lights are on but nobody's home.

Murray: Well dammit that's why you told me you wanted her as the replacement. Just do it and to hell with these stupid Applications.

Patrick: Murray have you read these Applications? There are some incredible resumes here.

Murray: Why would I bother to read them? We've made up our minds already. Hell I don't even want to have to listen to them at Council. It's a waste of time.

Patrick: Folks it's bad enough you want her just because she's agreed to sit there and not say anything but seriously we have to at least make it look good.

Larry: We are. First off she is a former councillor and seriously how many residents have come out to watch us at work? They don't know she's a lightweight. Secondly maybe a few voters will like that she's a woman.

Sandy: Excellent. The gender balance thing. We could actually sell that.

Mark: Don't make it too complicated. Focus on her so called experience. That's all she's got.

David: Look Val knows this whole thing is window dressing. She'll put on a real show with her description of the voting process, the number of rounds and the dropping off of names as we progress. It'll look all right.

Patrick: As long as you guys know that I'm still voting for Dr. Holt.

Mark: I might too just to make it look close. Besides he really is a good candidate.

Murray. He's an asshole!

Larry: I'm O.K. with the whole set up but I don't like all this playing.

Sandy: Larry we need to do this. Too many people would have seen right through it if we'd just given the appointment to Julie-Anne. This will work. So it's settled. Nobody other than Mark and Patrick vote for Dr. Holt. The rest of us can take our time and eventually give our three votes to her.

David: You know these are kind of going to be secret ballots. Maybe we have to guarantee that say Sandy votes each and every time for Julie-Anne and Mark and Patrick vote each time for Dr. Holt. That way we won't slip up and accidentally vote somebody else in over the course of several rounds of voting.

Murray: That's what I mean! Just vote once and be done with it.

Sandy: O.K. keep it simple. We finish it on the very first round?

Mark: It's safer. Wouldn't we be the idiots if after promising this thing to Julie we accidentally gave it to somebody else. That's the only way this could go off the rails if we screwed Julie-Anne and then she ratted us out.

Sandy: You're right. David do you agree? Is everybody O.K with that plan?

Larry: I'll go along.

Patrick: Me too but couldn't you at least pretend to listen to what the candidates say first and then make it a real vote?

David: No! We have to stick together on this. You vote how you feel and the others are going to do the same. As Larry said earlier on we're only doing this because the province insists we have to replace Scott.

Sandy: Good, meetings over. Remember this meeting never happened.


AND THE REST IS HISTORY